Thursday, September 14, 2017

Our Rainbow

"Have faith in your dreams and someday, your RAINBOW will come shining through....🌈"
Our #PBJrainbowbaby
With all the *Hope & Hearts* in the world, we're overjoyed to announce that we're expecting a little rainbow.... arriving January 2018!

A light during the darkest of times
As our angel son's due date approached in May, our focus was on getting through the tough week of grieving our angel and hoping to close the chapter of a painful part of our adventure book. I have to be honest, every ounce of hope we built for ourselves since our loss in January seemed to be fading during that fateful week in May. There were constant reminders of what could have, and should have been. Needless to say, I was an emotional wreck.

Then the weirdest things started happening.... I constantly felt tired, I definitely felt "off" but I chalked the heightened emotions up to the sadness the approaching week would entail. Then the big indicator something was really, really not normal: tomatoes started tasting like fish again. Umm, what??? Fish tomatoes? What are you talking about Jenn? Well the last time tomatoes had tasted like fish was when I was pregnant with our angel son. I felt a pang of hope bubble up, could it really be?

So I lugged myself to the bathroom and took out the remaining pregnancy tests that I had saved from months before. As I waited for the test results I kept silently telling myself "Don't get your hopes up, it's probably going to be negative but that's okay, you'll be okay". After the 3 minutes passed I looked down and at first didn't see anything. Then, a tiny and faint pink line appeared...

I didn't know what to think. To be sure, I took out 3 more tests, including a digital reader test that I had been saving for "later" aka a time when I thought I'd be sure I was pregnant. As those minutes ticked by, I told myself "If you are pregnant, it'll be okay, this time it'll be different. You'll be okay, we'll be okay, this baby will be okay". Time was up and I looked down at the digital screen and it read "PREGNANT". I fell to the floor and just sobbed. I was in shock that this was real life and we had another chance at our family happily ever after! Those tearful first moments of realizing I was pregnant again was a flood of emotions. There was relief that we were able to get pregnant again, there was excitement for what was to come, then there was fear. Fear that something might go wrong again. Fear of the unknown. All I could do was hold the little miracle in my belly tightly and promise "I'll take care of you, I love you more than you know".

I remember it took PB forever and a day to get home that evening. I remember I wanted to do a cute surprise for him, but I couldn't contain myself. Right when he walked in, literally as he was in the kitchen hunting for snacks, I showed him my phone and said "I took the cutest picture today!". He was confused and a little uninterested until he saw what was on the screen:
How I announced our little miracle to PB
His mouth opened and the words "wait, are you serious?!?" popped out. I remember shaking my head to let him know it was real and we hugged in the tightest hug he's ever given me. There were happy tears and smiles. Once our hug finally broke, we both looked at each other and said "it will be okay this time, we'll be okay".

So it was literally in our darkest of times that we found our light again with news of our rainbow pregnancy.

The path to rainbows and a beautiful twist of fate
Once the initial shock of finding out we were pregnant again passed, reality sank in that we were back at the beginning of what I was sure would be an anxiety ridden pregnancy. You see, when you go through pregnancy loss, especially multiple ones, each "next time" has another painful layer of fear associated with it. I remember the first few weeks of our rainbow pregnancy I hesitated to get even a little excited about our little one. There would be no carefree moments, no excitement until we could be 110% sure that this pregnancy and our little one was okay.

We had our first doctor's visit at 6 weeks pregnant to confirm the heartbeat and make sure our little one was doing well. Our doctor could see the anxiety behind our eyes and reassured us that he had every faith that our little rainbow would be okay this time around. Then we got the most surprising news... he mentioned our rainbow's projected due date: January 6th. PB and I were in shock. Our rainbow was scheduled to be due the exact same week we had lost our angel son. We couldn't believe it, first we found out about our pregnancy the same week of our angel's due date... and now we have a projected rainbow due the exact same week we lost our angel son.

As the weeks passed and as every doctors appointment went without complications, we were finally starting to believe that our little one was truly going to be.

At 16 weeks we had one of our biggest "hurdles" as we liked to call it. We were going back to the perinatal office where they initially found our angel son's heart defect. There was a wave of panic and PTSD being back in the ultrasound room. I remember shaking and fearing for the worst. This was a place where we've only known bad news. As the tech did the early anatomy scan of our little one, she tried to soothe our nerves by saying how adorable our baby was being by constantly waving it's hand's. Once the ultrasound switched to the "cardio" section I held my breath. Then the best news, she could see all four chambers of our baby's heart, an image they couldn't get in my last pregnancy. It felt like a boulder was lifted off my chest! Our baby was okay!
Our little one giving us a little wave hello!
As our tech was finishing up our 16 week scan she asked if we wanted to know the gender. We said a resounding "YES!". Then the fateful words came out: "It's a BOY!"

The tears wouldn't stop flowing. First we were blessed with the news of our pregnancy during one of the hardest weeks of our angel's due date, then the news of our rainbow's due date coinciding with the same week we lost our angel last January and now.... now this, another little boy. It felt like our angel son was truly watching down on us from above, like he wanted to send us his love and hope with this amazing blessing of our rainbow baby boy.
Oh BOY!
Coming full circle
In the weeks leading up to our big rainbow announcement we had one more set of hurdles to pass before sharing our big news with the world. We had to pass our 20 week full anatomy scan, a more detailed look at our son to make sure he was growing and developing okay. And our final and probably the most nerve wrecking test, his fetal echo scan. This is a scan where doctor's would look at his heart in extreme detail to help rule out any major conditions or defects like what his angel brother had before. PB and I promised ourselves that if these tests and scan came back okay that the first thing we would do after would be to start nursery shopping. One hour after our final tests, we went nursery shopping! We got the clear that our little rainbow son was doing okay, his heart was structurally normal which made our own hearts leap over the moon!
Datsy is excited to be a big brother!
So we headed to Disneyland a few weeks after to make our big announcement. I mean, where else would we go to announce such happy news?!
Oh hello little rainbow! 
Didn't get to run my first 1/2 marathon, but still came out feeling like a winner with our miracle! (Oh, and PB ran and crushed it!) 

Here we are today, over halfway through our rainbow pregnancy and still in disbelief that our family happily ever after is really coming true! We couldn't be happier, but we still remain cautious since we know all too well that things are never guaranteed. But we're thankful each and every day for our blessing. I'm so, so thankful for our little miracle. As I type he's kicking away in my belly, almost to give me little reassuring "kicks" to let me know "hey mama! i'm doing okay in here, love ya!".
So thankful for these bump moments!
Words can't express how thankful we are. Thankful for another chance at our family. Thankful to our loved ones and every single person who supported us throughout our journey. Thankful for the life that's to come.

In a world where it can sometimes feel like there's a lot of unfairness, pain or heartache, miracles do happen. Our little rainbow made us believe in miracles and that in the end, love and most importantly *hope & hearts* will always conquer all...

As always, thank you so much for reading along and for being with us for our journey! Here's to bright days ahead and hopefully more rainbow filled posts to come! 💜

8 comments

  1. So happy for you and Peter and Datsy (of course!) I continue praying for a happy healthy pregnancy and delivery. I can't wait to see/meet through here and instagram your little rainbow baby!! Blessings to you all!!!

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    1. Thank you so much for following along on our journey and for all the support! We're all sending lots of hugs right back your way!

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  2. So happy for you. After reading all these magical parallels I'm convinced that miracles do happen and I'm glad it came through for you.

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    1. Thank you so much my sweet friend! We are so incredibly thankful for our little rainbow and for the wonderful love and kindness everyone has down us during this family journey! We love you!

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  3. We’re so excited for you, PB & Datsy! Thank you for sharing your powerful and amazing story inspiring hope! Always sending our prayers for a healthy pregnancy & delivery of your beautiful rainbow baby boy! ������

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    1. Thank you to my fellow mama to be! We send our love right back for your own little bundle of joy! I can't wait for the day that our little ones can play in the parks together!

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  4. I'm actually trying not to cry reading this<3 I've been following along with your little family's journey for almost a year now, and I remember when I first found about your loss, I was shocked and so upset for you and PB. I honestly cannot imagine how hard and emotionally destroying that must have been. But now your little rainbow has come shining through and I'm so so so happy that your story has a happy ending- or should I say a happy beginning! When you posted your baby announcement on Instagram I squealed! I'm sending all the hope, hearts, and rainbows in the world to you guys!
    Lots of love, India Glover (@theconfectionEARy on Instagram)

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    1. Thank you so much for following along with us on our family journey! We are over the moon being able to have our little rainbow. It's definitely been a crazy road to get to this point, but we're incredibly thankful for the love, support and kindness wonderful people like yourself have shown us along the way! Hugs!

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Maira Gall