The Mom Life Series: My Story

Motherhood, my story to becoming a MOM

A while back I asked my Instagram audience what they'd like me to discuss more of on this blog and an overwhelming amount of replies had one common request: Motherhood. So today, with Mother's Day around the corner, I'm kicking off my Mom Life series! I'll be covering a number of topics such as finding a balance in daily life, mom style, life with a toddler, etc. For my very first post, a topic near and dear to my heart: Motherhood. Specifically, my journey to becoming a mom and why it means so much to me.

The path to the #momlife
The journey to becoming a mom has been one rollercoaster ride. There's been incredible highs, twists, turns, and some scary lows. In the end? The journey, as crazy as it may have been was completely worth it.
Growing up, I always knew I wanted to eventually be a mom. I've always loved kids and even carried that into my career by working with children with special needs. Life had to set up the groundwork for motherhood... first go to college, find a soulmate (hey PB!), get married, then begin to family plan. After PB and I got married we took a little bit of extra time to enjoy our duo lifestyle before even beginning to think of starting a family. We had our reasons, but mainly we wanted to be 100% sure we were ready in all aspects of our lives, financially, career wise, emotionally, etc. We wanted to check off all of the "extras" like traveling and crazy adventures before settling down to have a family. Eventually, 5 years after we were married we knew the timing was right. So we tried... and tried... and tried.

The one thing most people won't tell you is exactly how HARD it is to have a child. A few lucky couples are blessed where they can get pregnant right at the moment they utter the word "baby", but for others... including us, struggled. We tried for a long while, month after month held negative pregnancy tests. The feeling of failure started to creep in. Then after what felt like forever in trying.... it happened!

A twist on Mother's Day
Two days before Mother's Day 2016 I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Let me tell you, the elation, the happy tears, the pure joy you feel from getting that very first positive test is surreal. We thought it was fate that we found out right before Mother's Day. We were so overjoyed that we even did an elaborate Mother's Day reveal for our loved ones, complete with "grandma/aunt" onesies for the women in our lives. It was bliss. I couldn't believe I was going to be a mom.
Our first pregnancy reveal to our loved ones. Mother's Day 2016.

This happiness was short lived though. I ended up miscarrying my first pregnancy at 7 1/2 weeks along. We were heartbroken to say the least, but left even more in shock at the statistics about miscarriage and pregnancy loss. A staggering 1 in 4 pregnancies can result in miscarriage. This was a common occurrence that I never knew about and I ended up being in the 25% of women who had to endure such a loss. But we held onto our faith that there would be a next time. Our doctors assured us that since we had been able to get pregnant, we would more than likely be able to do so again. So we were back to square one, but determined to have different results the next time around...

As fate would have it, a few months later we found out we were pregnant again and this time we cleared the early hurdles we ran into the first time around and made it to the first trimester! Breathing a little easier, we announced to the world that we were expecting. It felt like everything was finally going to be okay. I was finally letting myself get excited about this pregnancy and the thoughts of becoming a mom were becoming more real. At our 20 week anatomy scan, halfway through this pregnancy we found out that we were carrying a little boy, our son. We also found out the devastating news that our little boy's heart was broken, literally. We were told that our son had a severe and life threatening heart defect, a CHD. Tragedy struck again a few short weeks after when we learned our son had passed, 22 weeks, a little more than halfway through this pregnancy.

The hopes and dreams of becoming a mom were completely shattered. I can't even begin to tell you what a loss like this did to my heart, my soul, and my mind. You feel like the earth has broken from below you and you're falling with no end in sight. It was a nightmare that I couldn't seem to wake up from. I remember even having to pinch myself to make sure that this wasn't all a bad dream. It was my reality. These were the darkest times of my life. You go through numerous heart aches throughout life, break ups, losing loved ones, things not going your way... but this? This completely destroys you. I truly started to accept that I wasn't meant to be a mom, that the life of motherhood just weren't in the cards.

Then, right when it felt like the world was at its darkest in this journey.... another beautiful twist of fate. Mother's Day 2017. Nearly a year after my first miscarriage the second devastating loss of our angel son a light shined down from the end of that dark tunnel. I found out I was pregnant for the third time. This time around, the storm in my journey to motherhood had cleared and a little rainbow awaited at the end of everything. In what felt like a miracle, this third pregnancy would be "it" because it finally resulted in me becoming a MOM.

No better word
Now you know why I say it's been a "rollercoaster" journey to motherhood. I look back on those all the moments and experiences that brought me to finally becoming a mom. I realized each crazy turn, each high, and yes, even each low has made me the MOM I am today. I put a lot of emphasis into the word MOM because I was someone who believed that I wouldn't have the chance to be one. Now look at me, a full fledged mama to a beautiful little rainbow!

So what does being a mom mean to me?
One word: EVERYTHING. It's more than just a life created, its a life worth living for my little guy.
I don't take this role as a mother for granted, not a single second of it. When my son is crying at the top of his lungs, when I'm stressed beyond belief and about to rip my hair out at the chaos, I'm still thankful. I'm thankful for every moment, no matter how big, small, bad, sad or happy. I'm thankful for the little moments, like when my son reaches over to give me a hug, when he give me his silly little smile. When he says his sweet or screechy MAMA. Every heartbreak, every tear, every hopeful moment has led up to this... My journey has been an unconventional one, there's been dark days and pain, but in the end love and most importantly *Hope & Hearts* prevailed and I was able to find my happily ever "MOM"after. Thankful for this life as a MOM.

Dedicated to ALL my moms out there, no matter what stage you're at in the journey!
I want to let anyone reading this, mom or not, to never loose the *Hope & Hearts*. I'm living proof that life can throw a million things your way, both good and bad. But with a little hope, the hearts will always prevail in the most amazing of ways. Life never gives us what we can't handle. The challenges we are given are a testament to how strong our hearts really are. And in these situations, they're only given to the strongest women out there. So no matter what stage in the journey you are at... whether you are a soon to be mom, a new mom, a longtime mom, a step/adoptive/foster mom, a pet mom, an unlikely mom (grandparents, aunts, siblings caring for others), or most of angel mom.... I send my love your way. It is an honor to be part of this motherhood club and journey with you all. So here's to all of you, the amazing moms out there! 💜

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